It has been forever since he and I last talked; he messaged me today to tell me that he has a gf and want to share a pix of her. I find it to be a vicious cycle...a cycle he always put me through. Its sad enough to struggle all these years, trying to stand up, trying to get away from the broken relationship. How could some people be so cruel? Does he even have any feelings? It has been 10 years, my heart is the same, as for him, he changes partner so much, so much that I lost count. I no longer feel sad, I no longer feel hurt, my only feeling now is sickness. I feel so sick to see what type of person I'm in love with. To him, I have no right to feel anything or have any right to say anything; but to me I do, because it is my feeling. He to me was perfect, a blessed to know and to fall in love with. Regardless the endless pains he put me through, the countless lies and betrayals, the love I have for him suppressed it all and I still wanted to wait; hoping one day he'll realize and come back. I was wrong. For years, I cried myself to sleep, calling out his name in pain and heartache, but does he know? Or care to think about? No, because he has always been too busy holding someone else or chasing after someone else. But today I know, enough is enough. Loving someone who doesn't love you will only result in you being hurt. I love him but who is going to love me? From now on, I'm not going to let myself be hurt anymore. He will no longer be my problem.

I've always wanted to have braces to make my teeth look better, so finally after so many years, I'll be getting it soon. While doing some research on which color would look nice, I came across many articles about " keeping yourself esteem up with braces." Huh? After reading them, I realized having braces will make you ugly. So now I'm scared and having second thoughts if I should have braces or not. Great...

Lately I've been surrounded with stories about single parent, and it made me realized all along I've been on the wrong path of my life. Ever since I was a kid, I don't believe in step parents. Although I didn't encounter such issues, but through stories, movies, news, or any of those nature is enough to prove what I believe is right. Though there are people who have step parents and they do have a good relationship with each other, but how many of them are that blessed? A good acquaintance of mine just recently remarried to a new guy, but instead of being happy, she look worn and stress out. She no longer act active and seem to distant herself away from the people she used to hang out. At first, we believed she must be happy and are going through the honeymoon phase, but her action doesn't look like it. She later revealed that her new husband dislike her son, a son she had with her previous relationship, and have constantly been pushing her to give the boy to his grandparents. It broke my heart after hearing it. My heart wasn't really aching for her, it was more for her son. The boy is only four years old and already he have to experience growing up without his biological dad by his side, and worse, his mom is being persuade to disconnect with him. I could not imagine how her new husband would act in front of the child, and how he actually treat the kid. After learning her story, I've been having a lot of thought running through my mind. If I was blessed to have a child of my own, and regard of the broken relationship with the father, I do believe I would act differently. For a fact, I don't think I'd seek for a second fling. My child would be too precious to jeopardize his happiness or seek for any chance that could cause him pain. I do understand that things happen unexpectedly and of course love would not be exempt, but it could be control. I know there are people out there who will disagree with me, but to me, a child only have one dad and one mom in which irreplaceable.
I used to crave for the chance to have a child with the person I really love even if it result in him leaving us, because what matter is what I get to have with him. That mentality have slowly died on me after being surrounded by friends who are now a new mommy. Just seeing them making the wise decision to be with the man who love them and take full responsibility is enough to make me feel shameful of the thought I had before. The process of being pregnant is not easy esp. dealing with the changes in hormone, but all of my friends (even the one who don't want to be pregnant) enjoy every bit of it because they were treated like a queen. When they broke the news of being pregnant, they were shower with gifts by their husband/boyfriend thanking them for their sacrifices. Alone, those action speaks a lot, and what melt my heart more was to see how their boyfriend/husband take care of the baby. Its amazing to see how the men was so cautious with the baby and want to do everything.
By encountering all these events, I realized a lot, and I think I want to strive for that path and of course first by starting to seek for the right love. Like the golden advice my mom always give me, "You want to give your best to the one that know how to treasure you and handle your heart with care. Let go of those that always break your heart, and step all over you to get to their next desire."
The golden words and the sweet family scenes had helped boost my determination. I will join my friends and walk the right path, and get off the path I've been on because it has lead me to a dead end.